“Avoiding conflict isn’t peacemaking. Avoiding conflict means running away from the mess while peacemaking means running into the middle of it.
Peacemaking means addressing those issues that caused conflict in the first place.
Peacemaking can never be separated from doing justice. They go hand in hand. Peacemaking means having to stir the waters on the way to peace.
Peacemaking means speaking the truth in love, but speaking the truth nonetheless.”
– Peggy Haymes, Strugglers, Stragglers and Seekers: daily devotions for the rest of us
Have you ever known someone who loves to fight? You know–that guy or girl who walks around with a chip on their shoulder, just daring someone to try to knock it off? I’ve known several people like this in the Army. They went out purposely looking for a fight. And when they found it (you will always find a fight if you’re looking for one), they made the most of it. I’ve seen their broken hands, busted knuckles, bloodied faces and missing teeth. They got what they were looking for–always to their own detriment. I also saw several of them lose rank, money, or get extra duty, or restriction to the barracks. Several times I asked them, “Was it worth it?” They’d smile and say something like, “Oh, yeah.”
Then there’s other side of the spectrum: the person who runs, hides from, or avoids confrontations altogether. You know… that guy or girl who gets abused like a red-headed step-child, yet they do nothing. You could slap their face, call them horrid names, falsely accuse them, eat their lunch–you name it–yet they slink away or silently take it.
Before I went in the service… and much of the time I served, I was one of the latter.
I am going to focus on non-confrontational people because I speak from experience. I’ve never been one to seek out fights, though I did eventually learn how to effectively confront others when it was necessary. It took much prayer and soul-searching, receiving my Corporal stripes, the sagely advice of several NCOs (Non-Commissioned Officers), and PLDC (Primary Leadership Development Course) to finally get me to break out of my self-generated cocoon.
But where did this cocoon come from?
As I’ve told you before, I grew up a PK (Preacher’s Kid). I know the stereotypes: “PKs are the worst,” or, “PKs are rebels!” I’ve heard them all over the course of my life. So when I saw an article in Christian Post about Barnabas Piper’s new book addressed to PKs, my curiosity was piqued. At first glance I thought, “Oh, no… the son of a ‘big-name’ preacher is writing a tell-all.” But, after engaging with Barnabas on Twitter, I learned that his purpose for writing the book was to help pastors, their kids, and churches… not to drudge up his dad’s past failures for all the world to see. I also learned that Barnabas is a really cool guy, and I thank God that He set up our “chance” meeting on social media.
What does this have to do with being non-confrontational? I’m glad you asked. Please read on.
I have two younger sisters. And being the eldest of three kids, I was very frequently reminded of Matthew 5:9, “Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.” This is absolutely true… but from an early age, I thought this meant that in order to be a peacemaker I needed to keep my mouth shut, no matter what. That, I told myself is what being a peacemaker means. Not that I did this at first, but it is certainly something that stuck in my head and has stayed with me my entire life. “Being a peacemaker means no confrontations… no matter what.” And so, with this false idea of what being a peacemaker means, I let people walk over me like a doormat.
I do not blame my parents for this misconception. They used Biblical truth to get me to behave. I get that. There was certainly no malicious intent. But I feel that in order to fully understand what being a peacemaker means, we need to look at how Jesus handled confrontation. The first thing we notice is that He always called out the people who should have known better. He did not keep his mouth shut, run and hide, or yell, “Peace, Peace!” He was ready to shake things up in order to get things moving in a different direction, even if it meant overturning a table or two. And you know what? The Pharisees didn’t confess their sins and repent; instead they branded Him a troublemaker. Instead of falling at the Messiah’s feet and asking forgiveness, they became so angry that they plotted to kill Him. Why? Because the only sins the Pharisees couldn’t see were their own. Unfortunately, to some degree, we all are blind to our own sins. But the reality is that everyone sins… even those who should know better. And, if we’re to be Christ-like, we must be willing to confront sin whenever we find it for the sake of reconciliation with God, and also with those we have relationships with.
A classic example of confrontation occurs between Jesus and Peter in Matthew Chapter 16. When Jesus said, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to Me; for you are not setting your mind on God’s interests, but man’s!” I am pretty sure that Peter’s feelings were hurt. It doesn’t look like “telling the truth in love.” But what Jesus was illustrating for us is the fact that we are wrestling with spiritual forces and not really the human beings we confront. If there’s a conflict, you can bet your paycheck the devil’s behind it. So let’s remember this section of Scripture in the proper context: Peter was not just a believer, He was one of the Messiah’s besties! He should have known better!
The reality is that good leaders (Christian or non-Christian) know when confrontation is necessary, and they don’t hesitate when it’s called for. That is what the Army taught me: choose your battles, and if you’re going to fight, go in with your guns blazing. Would I have been a good leader if I let my soldiers break the rules without consequences? Parents, are we being strong, Christ-like leaders in our homes if we do not hold all of our children accountable? And in order to hold soldiers or children (or anyone that you are in authority over) accountable and correct bad behavior, mustn’t we confront them when they make a mistake or willfully disobey the rules? “Ignoring my kids’ bad behavior has solved all our problems,” said no parent ever. Yeah. It didn’t work with soldiers either. In fact, the more harshly I dealt with bad behavior, the better the results were. Not just on the corrected soldier, but it served as an example to his fellow soldiers. No one wanted to step out of line and make SGT Mac angry, so they were on their best behavior (most of the time). I was told by one of my soldiers I was “hard, but fair.” I took it as a compliment. With time and experience, we learn when confrontation is necessary–when non-confrontation would be outright negligent or detrimental. We also have to realize that sometimes there will never be any kind of lasting resolution without confrontation.
In 1 Peter 4:8 we are told that “love covers a multitude of sins,” and this is certainly true. But we should never use this to justify sin. That’s like draping a fancy silk sheet over a rotting corpse thinking it will eliminate the stench. No, love doesn’t ignore or run from sin–unrepented sin which drives a wedge between us and another person(s) and ultimately separates us from fellowship with God. That’s more akin to hate! I believe that when Jesus spoke of one who is a peacemaker, He was talking about those that are spiritually mature enough to discern when confrontation is necessary… and when it is not.
In Christ’s perfect love,
Dwight
The Parson
